I have an anthro midterm due on Tuesday. This means that I really want to clean the bathroom. Haha
Jill is supposed to be going to James' tonight. She's still here and I don't know why. She needs to leave so I can clean and then drink on the couch whilst watching a movie alone (because my Friday nights are really exciting like that.)

Work is really busy, like normal. I've been staying late the past two weeks to push out data just to find out that, surprise, surprise! Our paper might be getting scooped (research lingo for "being done by some other lab"). We don't know the extent of the scoopage yet, but it's super-sad. At any rate, we're picking up the pace even more now and actually starting to analyze our sequence data, so that's pretty exciting.

Going to see Bruce Springsteen next Friday night with my mom. Should be fun, actually.
Took out the eyebrow ring a few days ago. I didn't want to, and I really miss it, but it was time. I have to start considering my professional life now, I feel. But I think I'm going to get another ear piercing - cartilage or maybe somewhere on the rim of my ear - because those are much more acceptable than facial piercings (unfortunately.) I'm also thinking about getting my fleur-de-lys colored in. Just a matter of time, really.

Still looking into getting that damned Gardasil shot. Why does insurance have to be so complicated?? It's just a freakin' vaccine...

I thought of a super-ingenious plan to possibly stay on my parents insurance for a little while longer, though. When I move out to the PA, I'll just take some community college classes! Bartending, maybe cooking, maybe a law course...As long as I'm full time (and possibly have access to an low-cost, on-campus health center), I should be golden until: 1) I get a job or 2) I'm living with Steve long enough for it to count as a domestic partnership and get on his insurance.
Birth control will still be somewhat of an issue; I'll need to pay for those doctors visits (hopefully only one, as my prescription will be good until next October) and the pills themselves. Damn Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo for being so pricey and not having a generic substitute but for being too perfect to change! It won't be cheap, but Steve is apparently super-progressive (or way more than I gave him credit for) and is going to help out in the financial department as far as that goes. Man oh man, you guys: I think I have a keeper.

And I get to see him in three weeks!! Which means I need to send him a care package next week sometime. I made him a mixed CD (which he'll get the track listing to once I know he's listened to it) and a pair of silk pajama pants because we're kinky like that sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean often. Seriously...too perfect.

Here are all the things that are terrible about my life recently:

• Terrible shopping experience with friends on Monday
• Killed the idea of Halloween this year for me; returned most of costume today
• Thusly not doing anything for Halloween this year except for Improv Comedy and sleep
• Stood up twice in a row by the same person on the same day for dinner
• Screwed up a sequencing template at work because I was so peeved
• Called that person, cried a lot, but hopefully fixed a friendship
• Boyfriend is still 600 miles away
• Friends are even more distant, possibly because I actually need them now
• Gyno appointment on Friday
• Vag doesn't seem to appreciate this
• Ripped a pair of jeans down the ass; don't ask me how - they aren't even snug.

I remember.

I remember how he smells. I remember the color of his eyes and how his skin feels beneath my fingers. I remember the strength of his hands and the sound of his voice and the exact way he smiles at me.

I remember all these things, but forgetting them will make another month so, so much easier.

So today was really strange.

Over the weekend, my anthro prof sent me information about a physical/biological anthropology conference that she thinks would really help me make connections with people. Well, I wanted to thank her after class today for the information because I think that's a better way of doing it than sending an e-mail. Forty minutes into class, she gives us all group work (like normal) and walks out of the room.
Five minutes later, she comes back in, white as a sheet.
"I know this will sound strange, but I have to cancel class today. I'm not feeling that well. In fact, I think I just miscarried."

I was honestly surprised at how much this affected me. Like, I was heartbroken at the possibility that she lost her child. It was just so terrifying. It happened so quickly (if it actually did happen.) Regardless, it really put me in a weird mood for the rest of the day.

Needless to say, I didn't get to talk to her after class, so now I don't know what to do about my "thank you." Do I send her an e-mail even though something terrible might have happened in her personal life? If so, do I mention how we're all really concerned and hope that she's okay? Or do I wait until I can talk to her in person (possibly Thursday, but she might cancel class then, too)? 

I actually think I just answered my own question.

I just committed emotional suicide.

That is, I just watched "The Notebook."

Such a bad plan. 

And procrastinating. My gender and science paper is strangely difficult to write.

Weekend home was nice. Did three weeks worth of laundry and bought another week's worth of clothes at TJ Maxx! I tell ya, that store is ridiculously hit or miss, but I came out with a new pair of jeans, socks, really cute bronze gladiator sandals (which I can't wear because it's been so freakin' cold and I have to wear closed-toed shoes in the lab...), and six or seven new tops. I spent a ton of money, but I don't feel bad about it because I got a raise (and was the only undergrad to get one, by the way. w00t!)

Class has been good. Everything is going really well. I feel only a little rushed/panicked, but that's just because I'm not two weeks ahead. I'll mellow out (i.e. get ahead again) eventually. Just with this essay and then a physio exam in two weeks...I just need a weekend where I can really focus, and I haven't had one of those in two weeks. So even though this weekend is the U of M/MSU football game, I will not allow myself to become distracted. I will booze, cheer, and then come back to read and study while On-Demand movies play in the background.

Work is picking up, like it always does. We're going to do this crazy-expensive protocol next week, which is at once exciting (our projects are moving along!) and scary (I really don't want to screw this up!) The new girl we hired is pretty cool and super-smart, so training her is a breeze.

In other news, I got tickets for the midnight showing of "New Moon"! I know, I know, you can roll your eyes, but they were only $7.50 and that is a very reasonable price, especially for a movie based off a book series which was actually really, really unimpressive.

Steve was here for one of the most incredible weekends I've ever had. We saw "Inglorious Basterds" (amazing!) I cooked for him, he took me out for ice cream. I treated him to Bubble Tea, he paid for my meals. We sat around the apartment watching TV and in my bed looking at the ceiling. We watched Monty Python and fell asleep at eleven o'clock. Everything was magic. We showered together and ate together and laughed together, and now I'm crying because now he's gone and this whole long-distance relationship bullshit is exactly that: bullshit. 
I detest it, but I need to get a degree.

I guess it's just becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy my last year of college when the person who makes things truly enjoyable is 600 miles away.

Yikes, haven't posted in a while.

All is good in Melissa-town. Steve is coming in this weekend, which means that the next three days are going to be the absolute best I'll be having for a while. It's not like my other days aren't good, because they really are, most of the time. It's just that days with him are better.  :)

I've been busy prepping for my physio exam and getting ahead on readings and whatnot so I can afford to completely waste this weekend. Next weekend, I'm going to a friend's bday party on Friday, then driving home to watch my sisters/do laundry/get Thai food/etc. The weekend after that is the MSU/U of M game, and after that I go home again for a dentist appointment on Friday.

Busy busy busy

The adage goes: You should never put all your eggs in one basket.

Currently, mine are.

Should I trust him to not fuck up my life?

Here's the situation. He's been thinking about me moving out there and he's "worried." "It's a big step," he keeps saying, "and I'm nervous about it." Most likely, he actually is just nervous.

But this could go so poorly. Yes, I have a contingency plan: stay out here an extra summer until he's ready for me.
For the record, I HATE this plan. But it's better than not being prepared at all.

Also, for the record, if he goes, I go. This man has all the tools he needs to make me self-destruct in a bigger way than ever before, and I have the skills and resources necessary to do so very quickly. I am so terrified that it will come to this that it makes me nauseous.

I think this is the time talking, though. (Holy alliteration, Batman!) He has nothing but and it's reasonable that he's starting to think. I understand, which is why I want to ease the pressure off him. It's the time and the distance. Once we're together again, he'll see.

I hope.

 

Steve admitted that he thinks he's over the honeymoon phase (whatever that really is...)

I am now secretly terrified that he is going to fall out of love with me.

Why am I so afraid to call my boyfriend's mother to thank her for the Quizno's coupons she sent me?

 

So here's the deal.

I'm not used to feeling like an idiot. I don't take it well when I do.
But talking to my boyfriend sometimes makes me feel like the biggest idiot on the planet.

I don't know what to do about it.

Pennsylvania was wonderful. Falling into routine, falling back into place, back into his life. It was perfect.

And now the semester is practically upon me. It just clicked yesterday that I'm officially a week away from the start of my senior year. I'm excited for class, but more excited for the end. I need to pass the days quickly.

I need to get a lab key. Haha

I'm going home this weekend. I just wanted to visit and do my laundry (and maybe some pre-school shopping), but it turns out that I can actually do some good. The fam was going to go to Canada because my dad got the weekend off, but my sisters have a volleyball tournament, so they had to cancel. Mom was hinting at me going to Canada with dad; I suggested that she go while I hang with the sibs. Everyone liked the latter option better.
So Thai food, Monopoly, and Disney movies are on the agenda. Should be a pretty solid weekend.

Sigh. Getting a degree doesn't even seem worth it sometimes...

In other news, I want to live here now. On Saturday we went to see the movie "District 9" with one of his co-workers and his girlfriend, then we all went out to a bar to see a Celtic rock band (The Kilmaine Saints!) It was a fabulously fun evening, even though Steve drank too much and was ill. We went food shopping yesterday and I felt very domestic and needed and loved, and I like those feelings. He's told me before that he plans to "see this through" and I really hope he means it.

So I have no will-power. In fact, I think I have negative will-power! It was my plan to go and see Steve on Wednesday, Aug 19. Then, he texted me and suggested that I just take off that whole week, so that I could be with him for longer.
And what did I say?
We all know what I said. I have the days off (of course) and will see him in only a week!! Yay!! And while I'm down there, we're going to buy a blender, go food shopping, and visit Hershey Park on Johnson and Johnson family day!!

In other news, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow! I'm going to go short - chin-length, in fact - and get sidebangs. Hopefully they can make it fun and textured and wonderful! I'm very excited. Ever the joy-kill, what is the first thing Jill says when I tell her of my plan? "Oh, so when I come back, you're going to be butch!"
No, you stupid skank. I'm going to be Melissa but with shorter hair and bangs. God damn.
It really bothers me that she's so anti-gay rights. I feel like she's too smart for that. But the bias in her runs so deeply and I feel like she just uses science and antiquated gender roles as defenses for her arguments. In fact, I know she does. For instance, we were talking about health care. She doesn't believe that a gay couple deserves spousal rights (i.e. that one gay man couldn't be on the same insurance policy as his husband) because they cannot procreate and therefore do not fulfill the "traditional" marriage requirements (i.e. that the woman should stay home to take care of the children and therefore needs to be on her husband's insurance.) It's a crock of shit, if you ask me. Tantamount to racism, in fact. Would it be sexism in this case? I'm not really sure, but it bothers me when people don't support equal rights...

Work is going ok. I'm having gel problems, but apparently we do things more ghetto than I thought. I think I'm just going to have to tell Lina that we can no longer afford to be cheap. I feel like she knew this was coming anyway.

Cleaned the kitchen today. Jill cleaned the bathroom. I can't find my Swiffer - I think my bastard brother stole it. What a prick.

I want Thai food tonight. Or Chinese. Maybe I'll order Rice Kitchen. I really feel like I shouldn't - I'm supposed to be saving my money, after all, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing alright in the finance department. Or alright enough to afford Chinese food one night of the month.

• Ellie is coming over tonight to discuss moving in for a week with Jill and I. Last night, Jill and I came up with a list (yay!) of rules/good behaviors that all three of us will have to abide, and the cost for Ellie to live with us for a week. That might be a deal-breaker, but we'll see. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
• Yesterday, Lina (my boss) saw three years of work crash down around her and her chances for an interesting PhD fly out the window. My work for one and a half years and my dreams of becoming a published author before graduating also died. Then, we found it was a false alarm and everything was fine again.
• Called Steve. He's sad. He's been sad. He's sad because he uprooted himself from family, friends, and me, and the only one of those he can look forward to getting back is me. I feel so guilty that I'm having an easier time being separated from him than he is, and it ripping me apart that I can do nothing to make it better. I hate having my hands tied.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I may have to seek higher education.

For shits and giggles, I've been wandering around those job-finder sites (Monster, Career Builder, etc) and seeing all of these lovely positions that I'm not qualified for. For a change of pace, I checked out forensic science bachelor's degree jobs and, for what I want, the average salary would be about $35,000. Funny enough, even a master's going into a forensic science job only makes around $5,000 more. Lames.

So here's a plan. If I can get a job at - oh, let's say Hershey - working as a lab tech for a years, I'll either try to: 1) advance up through the company or 2) get enough experience so that I can find a different job that would be more fun. This career path would suit me just fine.

So here's another plan. If I choose to go the forensic science route, I'll work with DNA for a few years until I can afford school again and go for a law degree or maybe a master's or a PhD somewhere. This would also suit me just fine and would most likely pay better.

Hm.


Is there such a thing as being too flexible?