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Seeing HBP at midnight, however, meant that I got four hours of sleep and have been pretty freakin' tired the entire day. On the plus side, I still worked eight hours and learned how to read sequences/detect SNPs, which will be undoubtedly useful in whatever I plan to do when I'm older. On the down side, my head hurts and I'm moody, which made talking to Steve a bit of a trial for me.
He didn't upset me tonight, I just think he can be a little self-centered. For instance, I'm not worried about moving to Pennsylvania with him in general. I am, however, scared shitless about the details. I won't have a job down there, and I most likely won't have insurance. This means:
1) I will have no input of cash to a rapidly-depleting bank account (re: car payments, utility bills, groceries, phone...)
2) I will have no birth control, which means condoms, which means neither of us is as happy as we could be.
I realize point two is both stupid and impermanent, but it still worries me. My sex life is important to me and during a big upheaval in my life, I don't know if I'll be able to handle one other thing not happening the way I think it should.
Anyway, I'm worried about what I'm going to do, what's going to happen to me, and all he can do is say how much he misses me and how much he wants sex. I sound like a bitch. I know. Really, I do, and I'm crying now as I type this because I feel like an absolute sack of shit for bitching about it and being so self-centered myself! But I just wish he could understand why I'm worried, why I need to have control and a tentative plan. I know things are going to work out - I know I'll get a job and benefits and that everything will right itself with time.
Time.
I just don't want to wait.
- Music:Shadow of the Day -Linkin Park
Boom.
I was feeling pretty hopeless, but I was determined not to go away from this weekend empty handed. So, my wonderful, awesometastical boyfriend was doing car research for me (we didn't have Internet at home...f-ing Comcast...) and I decided that I would be visiting a few dealerships today to look at and test drive some cars.
It ended up being very, very fruitful. I bought one!! A 2002 Chevy Malibu. 67,000 miles, dark green, beige cloth interior. Total price: $7,404.84. This was way over what I thought I would spend, but my parents helped me out a little and I got approved for a loan by the MSU FCU, which was amazing. So now I have monthly payments of $222 for 36 months. This translates to: Melissa buys nothing and is ridiculously careful with her money. No biggie. Even though it's way more than I anticipated, I think I'll be able to work it out.
Adding to the stress of finding then losing then buying a car was the added issue of my computer completely crashing. It was bad enough so that I completely lost my OS. So I had no computer (and thusly, no connections to the outside world, sadly, and also no way to finish my forensic science stuff.) It was so hopeless that I pretty much decided to purchase a new computer. Then came the fantasticly amazing boyfriend again to the rescue, who not only talked me down, but helped me through the process of not only reformatting, but also reinstalling drivers and getting me the Internet once more.
So, my week was totally ups and downs, but now I'd say it's on a definite upward turn. Maybe I can even convince my bro to get us Thai food tonight! Haha, doubtful, but a girl can dream...
- Mood:
tired but happy! - Music:Shake It -Metro Station
Anyway, the weekend was great. He took me shopping at Meijer. We saw "Public Enemies" (the new Depp/Bale film - it was only okay) and went to P.F. Changs (the location of our first date!) On Saturday, he met Andrea and we all went to the Potter Park Zoo. I'm happy he finally got to meet one of my friends from back home, and it helped that they liked each other, too!
In other news, I went to the gyno on Thursday and got my prescription changed. Apparently a lot of women have trouble on Yaz, which is also apparently not as great as it's cracked up to be. So I told her my problem(s) and my idea for a bi/triphasic low-dose and she said that Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo would be a good place to start. If I'm not digging that by October, then I'll change again, but hopefully I won't have to. Changing is a real pain in the ass and I'm a little fearful of what kinds of mood swings/side effects I'll experience these next few months. Hopefully it's a drama-free shift.
I 4.0-ed the crap out of micro - 100% on the final!! It's quite a relief to have that stress off my shoulders, especially because I know a 4.0 in forensic science is imminent. If I've figured it correctly, these two 4.0s will put my GPA right back up to where I want it to be. Which is good.
Work is going well. We have two new PCR machines in and, once we get the back hood fixed, I'll be able to pretty much go PCR crazy. I'm determined to have my orange project and the downer project finished by the end of this summer, which means my name on two papers by the time I graduate. And if I get them finished and Lina can start more projects, maybe it could be three? Although I'm more than content with two for now.
- Mood:
muddled
So I've been on Yaz since November (about 8 months now) and it's been alright, but there's one thing that has changed that's really bothering me.
I don't have a sex drive anymore.
The mind is willing. The mind is very willing, in fact, but my body doesn't seem to get the memo. It takes longer to get me going and more to keep there. This needs to change. I know these hormones are coursing through my body and through the water system and, honestly, I don't have a problem with hormone supplements, but it's too different. I can't adjust to this. And from my readings, I've learned that this decrease in libido may be permanent.
So, like a good scientist, I did research. Apparently, a low libido is due in part to a lack of androgen production (the precursor to testosterone) and an high concentration of SHBGs (sex hormone binding globulins which bind sex hormones, obviously.) A couple ways to get around this is to:
1) Look into an IUD. Unfortunately, this is associated with a lot of fertility issues and, eventually, I think kids are going to be a possibility. So I don't really want to deal with anything irreversible.
2) Bi- or triphasic birth control. These having differing amounts of hormones, so they (allegedly) simulate a more natural cycle. But I've been reading reviews and they've been terrifying me. I know every BC brand will have its side effects and that a lot of girls who go looking for those advice pages are looking for a place to rant. People who are happy with their brith control don't go looking for reviews on it. So I've come to the reasonable conclusion that some of those reviews might be biased.
Yet I'm scared anyway. All these hormones, all of this pressure, irreversible changes to my body and its chemistry...Oh, what I wouldn't give to ovulate again!
Here's what I want in my birth control:
I want something natural, or as close to it as I can get. This probably means low dose and, if my research is correct, bi/triphasic. I want to deal with the moodiness if I have to, and even (more) weight gain, if it means that I can feel as sexually alive as I once did.
I think I'm going to call Olin tomorrow/as soon as I can. I need answers.
- Mood:
frustrated
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think anyone should have to live in that kind of isolation for an extended period.
Thank the gods it'll only be a year.
In other news, I got a really good lead on a car. It's for sale by owner in my subdivision: a 2001 Honda Accord, leather interior, dark green exterior, 120,000 miles (which is a bit more than I wanted, but they're highway miles, which are apparently better than city ones, so whatevs.) The best part (which is difficult to determine because there are so many best parts to this scenario)? It's exactly within my price range. A totally affordable and well-kept car, close to my home, that I'm (hopefully) going to test drive in July.
Good freakin' deal. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Class is class - micro is almost finished. Two more weeks and then I should have a ton of time freed up for exercising (which I'm afraid I'm going to have to neglect in favor of micro...again. I have to prioritize, though, and grades come before looks...always. Guh.)
Welp, off to a week of work and class.
God, it's hot as balls. Welcome, summer?
- Mood: warm
- Music:Pas de Cheval -Panic! At the Disco
Steve and I have been dirty-texting (sexting?) like no one's business. And he's been shopping around on the Pure Romance website: we got a fun new lube (Sensations! Strawberry flavor!), a toy for him, and a "vanilla bondage kit" that I'm very excited to try (which makes it very difficult to focus on microbiology.)
I'm very sure that, instead of a sex drawer, we will need a sex closet.
There! I'm not completely boring!
On Friday, I have my first criminal justice exam. It's all online and I saved the lecture handouts and took down good notes. Since the exam is on-line, this means I'm in very good shape.
I'm going to see Steve this weekend, too. A large part of me is very excited for it, but the small part of me (the part that doesn't like to cry) kinda wishes I could just go a year without him. I love him and I love seeing him and being with him is what makes me feel like I can breathe, but it's also so, SO incredibly difficult to tear myself away again. It's like I'll be starting from square one next week, you know? And that's tough. But I've acclimated well so far, as has he, I think.
Sigh. Long distance is tough.
It makes me kinda nervous, too, that one of his co-workers was in almost the same situation: he got a job at J&J right out of college and had a girlfriend with a year to go still. She moved out there with him after she graduated and they broke up shortly after. I don't know the specifics of their relationship (Steve thinks they lacked trust), but I still can't help feel a little nervous about it. I mean, what if that happens to us? I don't want it to, and I don't think it will, but what do I know? It could, and then I'd really be screwed.
More screwed than I already am.
Although I think I've figured out the whole car thing. I know I'm going to make enough to put a decent down-payment on a good Honda, and I've done enough searching to know that there is more than one "ideal car" for me. So I'm not worried about that.
Now, I'm worried about jobs. There's an Amish research facility near to J&J and they do genetic mapping of diseases with the wonderfully isolated Amish population. This would be awesome. Steve also recommended that I look at J&J for career opportunities, or I could go the forensic science route (also awesome) and try to find something in Harrisburg. So I know there are a lot of career opportunities out there and I know I'd be well-suited to many of them.
The issue, for now, is getting recommendations.
My boss adores me, so five minutes on the phone with her would pretty much secure me any laboratory job I wanted. But I'm quite lacking on other recommendations, i.e. from my professors. I just feel like I can't talk to them because I understand all of the material and am too busy to make stupid small-talk. Maybe I should fake stupidity? I don't know. I think I'm going to e-mail my forensic science professor to attempt to open a dialogue - ask him what a day in his lab was like, if he would let me shadow, what I need to know, what's up-and-coming in the field. It's just so hard to meet face-to-face because I work and have class! And I know it'll only get worse once school starts up.
Blah. This entry was utterly uninteresting.
- Mood: bored
- Music:Standing the Storm -William Joseph
He's all settled in Pennsylvania, which is good. Took his drug test today, did a test drive to work (17 minutes - not bad at all), and is eager to start. He wants routine just as much as I do, it seems.
Looking for a car; got a few pretty good leads. I was thinking about buying closer to winter break, but now I'm rethinking. If I can purchase now just to have it - register it, but not insure myself on it quite yet - I think that would be ideal. That way, I could start paying it off while I still have a steady, decent income and maybe not have to rely on my parents or Steve as much. Ideal.
Started hypnotism again for weight loss. 20 pounds in two months. That's the goal. No idea how realistic it is, but whatever. Also started Tae Bo again, and will probably mix that up with running. I just hope I can stay motivated. I'm sick of being the fat girl. I'm tired of my clothes not looking good and pictures of me with double chins. It's ending now. It has to. I deserve better, and so does Steve. 20 pounds. Two months. I'll see where it goes from there.
Routine: Just do it.
- Mood:
busy with micro - Music:The End of Innocence -Don Henley
So this weekend was the last time (for real) I got to see Steve for at least a few weeks and at most a few months. I guess it's not all that bad; people have gone longer and it's not like I haven't done this "flying solo" thing before. Just like old times? Hardly, but now I'll be able to work myself into numbing routine that will let the days slip by and leave me too exhausted to think about what I'm missing. I hope.
- Mood:
complacent - Music:My Life Would Suck Without You -Kelly Clarkston
Corny title.
It was memorable, however. I met all of Steve's family on Sunday and they all liked me, according to his mom. His parents really like me too; they offered to drive me down to Lancaster with them to visit Steve when they go. I don't know if I'll be able to (work...), but the option is amazing.
We spent eight days together almost exclusively in each other's company. We didn't even get close to a fight/disagreement. If anything, we got closer and mostly solidified some plans for the future, which was really exciting.
I'll get to see him this Saturday for my brother's grad party and then...I don't know. This was the last weekend we were able to be intimate, though, which is tough for me to handle. Don't get me wrong - sex is not everything. But the moments after - the cuddling, the laughing, the conversation...That is.
It's going to be amazingly difficult. He's leaving around June 1 (I have a microbio exam that day) and then I'm not going to have any contact with him except by phone. It's a terrifying transition and I don't look forward to a year without him.
At the same time, I can't be despondent forever, knowing what comes after that year passes. He needs to be there; I need to be here. That's the way it is, but that's not the way it will be.
Forever ago, I remember writing that I'm not his future. That I'm only a passerby in his life and that my contribution to his existence is negligible. This is incorrect. I am his future as much as he is mine, and no matter what happens, he won't be able to forget me, just as I won't be able to forget him. It's strange writing with this much certainty about something so subject to change, but I feel it's true.
Come what may.
- Mood: sad
- Music:Alone in This Bed -Framing Hanley
This kid...he's strange. He's all hopped up on meds for ADHD, bipolar disorder, and probably depression too. He can be kind of annoying, but the maid came over today and asked me if the kid listened to me. I thought about it for a bit and he does, which makes me think that he doesn't listen to a lot of other people.
It made me feel important and a little more sympathetic. I wonder if he relates to me more because I'm older than he is but not an adult (in his eyes)? My guess is yes. I don't think he can relate to his parents (who can?) and the kids he hangs out with at school aren't really a good basis for guidance (are they ever?) I don't know. He's still really awkward and I don't exactly like being over there (1. a complete lack of food in the house other than noodles, 2. a dog that smells really terrible and once bit me, 3. no cable, 4. dial-up Internet...I'm spoiled, I know), but it's the easiest money I've ever made.
( Le Boyf )
In other news, I'm moving into my new apartment tomorrow. It should go relatively smoothly, and I'm excited to be on my own. My food, my dishes, my bedroom(!!), my life. I'm super-excited to cook for myself and start Tae-Bo again. I love me some Billy Blanks, and I really need to lose weight. It's funny - I forget all about how I look when I'm with Steve, but when I'm not, it's all I can think about. Guh, I'm so screwed up.
Oh well. To summer - hopefully, it'll be a good one.
- Mood:
blank - Music:St. Elmo's Fire -Man in Motion
I'm off to work in ten minutes, but you all haven't heard from me in a while.
Finals are this week. I had anatomy yesterday, which I did pretty well on. Hopefully I'll get a 3.0 or a 3.5 (which is a retarded thing to hope for, but since my chances of a 4.0 are gone, might as wel...) I have biochem tomorrow at nine and then I'll be done.
Next week, I'm home but I'm babysitting this kid for the whole time. It won't be too bad, I just hope I get some time to do things that I want to do (mainly laundry and perhaps a bit of shopping - I need shirts!)
In two weeks, I move into my new apartment. Exciting stuff.
Then, I'm going to Lancaster with Steve to help him pick out an apartment! Even more exciting. We've booked a room and he's going to buy tickets tomorrow. But it's basically going to be five days where we interact with eachother constantly. And we're traveling. I think it'll go well.
I'm just worried, though, about my funds. Jill (the roommate) got a raise a few days ago and keeps going on about marriage for financial benefits and how, when I move out to Lancaster, I will be like a pet to Steve because I won't have any money. It's all very condescending, but honestly, I just think she's jealous that stuff with my boyfriend is working out and hers is not. So whatever.
Woop. Time for work!
- Mood: tired
- Music:Heartless -Akon?
This weekend was the last full weekend I got to spend with Steve before school ends.
It was a nice weekend, but it was the definition of bittersweet.
Like, I woke up next to him this morning and realized just how much it's going to suck not to be able to do that every weekend. And then we were on the couch (watching Spike TV, of all things) and were talking about movies we want to see and places we want to go and things I'll have to do when I go to his house, but all of these things were followed up by, "God, who knows when that'll happen."
Eight months flew by way too quickly. I barely remember the bad for all the good there was. I'm going to miss him so much.
Weeks ago, we talked about how excited we were for summer. How it was going to be okay, and would probably fly by, because we were both going to be so busy and so distracted. But now that summer is basically here and the reality of our separation is a little too imminent, these plans don't seem as rosy.
I just hope I'm not fooling myself. I hope I can keep myself occupied and keep myself stable. I'm prone to complete and total disintegration, and he's too big a part of my life to put into the back of my mind.
God, this year is going to be rough.
- Mood: sad
- Music:Bother -Stone Sour
- Went to the Drag Show on the 17th, which was hilarious, as always
- Got into The Post (a local bar) after with Jill - did a redheaded slut and had a cosmo within 30 minutes, then danced and went home
- Jill had a hangover the next morning, I did not
- Got my hair did at the Douglas J
- Steve picked me up and we pregamed before the dinner (Long Island Iced tea and Jello shots)
- Had dinner, socialized, spilled all over my favorite white shirt
- Changed, went to The Riv and met up with some friends - drank a dirty girl scout, a soco and lime, a praire fire, a four horseman, a kamikaze, and another Long Island.
- We tried to go to Crunchy's after, but there were too many people, so we went back to Triangle and chilled there - more drinking, Jello shots and a third of a Long Island
- And, the best part: no hangover on Sunday!
A very solid weekend. And I have my horizontal lisence now! It's so pretty!
This week should be kick-ass, too. I'm seeing Steve every night, have jury duty on Thursday, and my boss is gone so I'm in charge of everyone (God complex go!) Generally, I've had a really good few weeks and I really hope it doesn't stop.
Steve got the details for his job, too! He's leaving June 15. Boo. But at least that gives us a bit of the summer together! And I can always visist. I think he's looking forward to me living with him as much as I am. It's nice.
I hate to sound optimistic, but I think we're going to make it. I don't know for how long, but at least through the summer and the school year he's away. I think we're going to get through it with minimal problems.
Famous last words though, right?
I also messed around with my schedule and found out that I enrolled in a three-credit class that I actually don't need, so I dropped it and now will have 12 credits my last semester of school! Yay!
- Mood: happy
- Music:Forever -Papa Roach
I went to Riverdance on Friday night with my mom and my sisters. The food was delicious, the show was great and, I swear, the lead Riverdance guy could've been Hugh Jackman's younger brother. All three of us thought so. It was uncanny.
My mom managed to score some Tigers tickets for Saturday, so I went with Steve and his brother, his brother's wife, his brother's wife's brother, and his brother's wife's brother's girlfriend. Hahah, yeah. The seats were great, the Tigers won, and everyone had a good time, but two and a half hours in the sun absolutely fried my skin. My face is terribly sunburned - my nose is blistering and half of my face is swollen. It's not cool, but I think it's a legitimate "Get Out of Mass Free" card. I think I can convince the fam to stop at CVS after and get me some Benadryl too. After all, it is my party. And Zombie Jesus Day.
Oh, and another thing...
STEVE GOT A JOB!!!
His interview in Lancaster, PA with Merck went extremely well. They called him two hours after his interview to tell him that they were "very impressed" and wanted him. This is incredible. Pennsylvania is awesome and, after some Googling, Lancaster looks like a pretty solid place. Quiet - it's surrounded by cornfields - but it's still a rather large city. It's within driving range of other large cities and, the best part, it has the largest population of Amish in the United States. All these Amish can trace their genetics back to 200 people (the minimum needed to start a population without experiencing the debilitating effects of inbreeding.) Also, since this population is relatively isolated (i.e. they don't mate outside of themselves) they are the perfect specimens for genetic studies! It's incredible.
Also, I think things are really looking up in the financial department, which is good because life is going to start becoming very expensive soon.
And it's less than a week until I turn 21!!
::Sigh:: Life is really good right now.
- Mood: happy
- Music:Like Whoa -Aly and AJ
- A nasty case of gastroenteritis from the cafeteria
- A paper outline that I that was amazing torn to shreds by a nutty professor
- My period
F.M.L
Steve interviewed with them nearly two weeks ago now and they said they'd get back to him last week and it's Wednesday now and he still hasn't heard from them.
He has gotten offers from other places - a pharmaceutical company in PA and a chemical company in NJ, but I know he wants Lockheed. I think they got him hooked on Texas (mixed feelings...)
So, being the proactive and curious personality that I am, I checked their website and searched for the position that he was interviewing for. It's still on the website (mixed feelings...) but it was updated on March 20. That was Friday. So they've only been at work for three days now and it's a possibility that they'll call him later this week.
Right?
Boo.
All of this just needs to be settled so he can start planning and I can start planning and we both can stop secretly (well, me not so secretly) worrying about it.
Alright, I'm done being the obsessive girlfriend now.
EDIT: So he sent an e-mail to Lockheed asking about the wait and apparently they are still in the interview process. This means that either they want to give all candidates an equal chance, or that they weren't impressed with anything they've seen so far. I'm hoping for the former, as is Steve, but neither of us are optimistic. He sent them another e-mail asking for a timeline, but who knows when HR will get back to him.
I'm learning - through Steve's job searching and Jill and Ellie's internship shopping - that HR departments really aren't all that efficient. I could rant about it more, but I'll spare you.
Yesterday, I caused a fight Steve. I pretty tried to manipulate him (on advice of a friend, never again...) and it backfired into my face. I should have completely expected this and all today I was pissed at myself for falling into that stupid "girl" trap. I suck at manipulation and am terrible at keeping things in, and the fact that I did both in one night to someone I love is just retarded and infuriating. I'm still upset with myself about it, but - wonderfully - I won't make that mistake again.
That, combined with the lack of sleep and an all-day headache, led to a not very nice day.
But on the upside, I get to see him tomorrow, which will make everything one hundred and fifty two times better. Also, I was ultra-productive and only have to worry about one CAPA problem and studying for anatomy over the weekend, which is pretty much epic.
I'm going to see "The Lion King" with Steve sometime, too. It's at the Wharton for a month and I think it's going to count as my birthday present. It kind of bothers me that he's not entirely enthused about going, but the only experience he's ever had with the theatre is with "The Phantom of the Opera" when he was younger and he detested it. I'm hoping that fun theatre - something lighthearted and familiar - can at least encourage a little bit of interest on his part. I'm not going to count on it, though.
I think I'm going to need to join a theatre appreciation group when I'm older, just to get my fix with other people who care.
- Mood: tired
- Music:Can't You Feel the Love Tonight?
It's weird finishing all of my homework, or all that's really pressing for the evening. It's also strange that I don't really have homework in the traditional sense anymore. It's more like I have something due in a week and then an exam I should start preparing for and an essay to think about. Just making the shift, I guess.
I've started saving for a car. I've made a budget, or am currently working on one, more accurately, and have settled with myself that I'm not going to have very much fun for a year. But! The outcome of that year - a car - is going to be extremely worth it. I'll be able to make a down payment, get a loan, maybe get an employee discount courtesy of my aunt, and then pay that sucker off in three years, or less, ideally. The goal is to purchase by winter break. Jill thinks this is lofty, but I think Jill is lofty, so that ends that discussion.
I wasn't able to spend any appreciable time with le boyf. today, which was a bummer. Usually we chill on Mondays, but he had homework to do and a headache to boot, so we didn't. Oh well. At least I have something to look forward to on Thursday. And then there's the party at his frat Friday. But get this! They have another house project on Saturday (so I'd be ignored if I was there) and right after that is a "brother's only" activity. Leave it up to boys to plan so poorly. What this basically equals out to is me only being able to see Steve on Friday, which stinks because I was definitely looking forward to a full weekend with him. I'll be able to study, though, which will be amazingly useful for my exam next Tuesday. Silver lining?
Bah.
His interview in Dallas went really well. His flight was delayed three hours, and then it was dark and rainy and cold when he got there (all alone! woe!), but it sounded like they really liked him. He interviewed with an MSU Packaging Alum (not surprising, as all the packagers come from here), but I thought that was cool. Couldn't hurt him, right? He'll know by the end of this week whether or not he got it. Fingers crossed!!
I'm thinking about going into law. I don't know what kind of law. Maybe patent because I'm all science-y, or maybe medical malpractice, because I'm all biology-y. Either way, it's an interesting option. According to my lawyer-aunt, I'd make a good litigator (whatever that is.) Guess it's time to research!
Sigh. Life is getting real. And a little exciting. But mostly scary. Why does growing up have to be so weird?
- Mood: bored
- Music:Alone in This Bed -Framing Hanley
