Welcome, my children, to the communion of your race.

I...

2009-12-09T02:46:55Z

am excited for Glee! tomorrow
love So You Think You Can Dance (and am psyched for that finale, too)
wondering why Livejournal is suddenly defaulting to the HTML posting tab instead of rich text...
finished with both of her term papers...
...so she only needs to study for physio on Monday
finished her errands
still needs to pack
is excited for the drive to PA and to see her man
need to figure out her resume/CV
need to find direction in life

I'm being a bad girlfriend

2009-12-05T00:36:02Z

He's out at a bar. I'm going to order Pizza House, watch a movie, and write a paper.
I think I'm just jealous, but I'm also kind of upset that he didn't take time to talk about how our days were before he went out. It's kind of a ritual, I guess, and I miss him.
This is so stupid. I hate the week after he leaves.
Ugh, just stupid. Blah.

Sadface

2009-12-03T23:32:40Z

Why won't my boyfriend send me cookies? I asked directly, politely, and twice. He still said no.

I am way more depressed about this than I should be.

Two Weeks!

2009-12-02T01:21:05Z

My holiday was fantastic. It was so wonderful to see Steve again that it defies explanation. Thanksgiving was ok. My aunt hired a Ukrainian woman who looked about 24 to serve us. That was strange, especially when my sisters and cousins started asking if we could get a slave, too. The sad part? They're all 15 to 16 years old and I honestly couldn't tell if they were being facetious. Woe.

List of Things I Need to Do

Write anthropology term paper (due Dec. 8)
Write gender and science term paper (due Dec. 14)
Go to the mechanics to get my brakes looked at (scheduled: Dec. 3)
Think of another Christmas gift for my sisters
Wrap Ellie's gift
Wrap Steve's gift(s) (also fret over what he got me and freak out that he might not like what else I got him - an xBox gift card, btw - because he is decidedly and unfortunately unpredictable when it comes to gift getting.)
Think of something to get Jill/cousin Anne/mom/Emmett (ugh).
Look into getting the Easy Pass for trip(s) to and from PA.

How many of these things involve me dropping ridiculous amounts of cash? 3, 7, and 8, and 3 is going to be at least $50, best case scenario.

I hate Christmas.

One Day More

2009-11-25T03:04:46Z

I can't believe I get to see him tomorrow.

Ten. Days.

2009-11-16T03:05:58Z

I went home on Friday for the Bruce Springsteen concert at the Palace.

Oh gosh, so it was totally insane. The concert was supposed to start at 7:30, but we knew it wasn't going to, so we got there around 6:45. So my mom and I had a few cocktails (I didn't even get carded when I got the first one!) and people-watched. She ran into some people she knew and chatted up some people she didn't. I swear, Bruce is like God to her. It was kinda cool seeing her that uninhibited in a (finally!) appropriate setting.

After a few cocktails, she started giving me advice on men.
Sidetrack: Earlier in the week, Steve and I got into a fight because I told him I was going to send him a care package. He got upset because he thought I was intentionally teasing him with this information (which is true), but he took it as me being mean. Like, actually mean. Well, of course I wasn't trying to be mean, and it ended up with me sounding insensitive (I guess I was?) and him sounding like an ungrateful, whiny ass-hat (which he was, without a doubt.) Needless to say, we're fine now, but I'll be damned if I'm going to send him anything else (which is a bummer, because I had some really great ideas.)
So anyway, she was telling me to keep my eyes open, that I was beautiful and that I shouldn't nail myself down to one guy. Stupidly, I didn't ask why she thought this (next time, I suppose), but I see it like this: Steve is a fantastic guy. Is he perfect? No. He sometimes drives me insane and I get really pissed at him. Is this supposed to happen? Yes, and it will keep happening for the rest of our lives. Yet it took me 21 years (11 of those in which I was consciously looking) to find the best guy possible for me. Yes, he's the first one I've tried this with, but I don't know why I should go keeping my options open when I already know who I want.

The concert starts and Bruce comes on stage, screaming, "Hello, Ohio!" I immediately facepalm. This guy is 60 years old and, of course, I'm at the concert where he finally starts to lose it. He was really embarrassed, but joked about it for the rest of the concert, so it was fine. Anyway, so my mom and I are dancing and singing and suddenly, this guy comes up to her, says something, and she turns to me and tells me that we have to go.
Now, I was freaking out. I had smuggled in her camera to snap a few photos (they were all terrible) and I thought that security was going to throw us out because they had seen me. But my mom was ridiculously calm as the man led us out of our section and three sections closer to the stage.
Moral: THEY PUT US IN THE FRONT ROW.
I don't know how they picked us out of the crowd, but they did and we were very front row. We made eyes at Bruce and his guitarist, Steven. The chick in his band waved at me, I flashed the keyboardist a double thumbs up (which I know he appreciated), and, the best freaking part ever, MAX WEINBERG (drummer for Conan O'Brien, the most amazing late night host ever) KNOWS I EXIST AND KNOWS I LOVE HIM. It was so epic. I never thought I would get that close to him ever. I was practically a miracle.

The rest of my weekend home was nice. The semester is ending, so I had a lot of reading to do. I got and installed my new printer (just in time for my final papers!) and it is a beast. I love it, though. I can't believe there's only four more weeks until semester's end. And even better: TEN DAYS UNTIL I SEE STEVE. I can't describe in words how excited I am for this. It has been way to freaking long.

And then finals two weeks after, then to PA for break, with a bit of going home for Christmas thrown in for good measure.

Oh, and my great Uncle Wally is having a nine and a half hour valve replacement surgery tomorrow. Apparently it's super high-risk and, as much as I love seeing my family, I'm not in the mood for it to be in a funereal context. So cross your fingers, pray to your deity of choice, sacrifice a goat, or what-have-you for him. KKthx!

School decisions

2009-11-08T18:54:39Z

So instead of writing the last paragraph of my anthropology midterm, I have spent the last hour and a half researching and thus freaking myself out over this whole graduate school/my future thing. And now I'm updating this. Haha

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I'm feeling really, really pressured to make a huge decision very quickly. Grad school is a ton of time and a ton of money and not something I could just leave if I got bored. It's a commitment and not one that should be taken lightly. I need time to think about what I want in life and what I can do with what I have.
I've started looking into community colleges in PA to institute my brilliant stay-on-insurance plan and I don't know if those are going to work out either, mostly because I don't know the first thing about applying to new colleges post-graduation. I just want to take a few fun classes; I don't need to work toward a degree anymore. But is that even possible? Can I just go and take classes without being roped into a program? And after a year or two, if I decide that I want to go into grad school or something, can I just leave college? How does that even work???

I really need to talk to a counselor.

And finish that damn midterm.

Three Weeks!!

2009-11-07T03:27:38Z

I have an anthro midterm due on Tuesday. This means that I really want to clean the bathroom. Haha
Jill is supposed to be going to James' tonight. She's still here and I don't know why. She needs to leave so I can clean and then drink on the couch whilst watching a movie alone (because my Friday nights are really exciting like that.)

Work is really busy, like normal. I've been staying late the past two weeks to push out data just to find out that, surprise, surprise! Our paper might be getting scooped (research lingo for "being done by some other lab"). We don't know the extent of the scoopage yet, but it's super-sad. At any rate, we're picking up the pace even more now and actually starting to analyze our sequence data, so that's pretty exciting.

Going to see Bruce Springsteen next Friday night with my mom. Should be fun, actually.
Took out the eyebrow ring a few days ago. I didn't want to, and I really miss it, but it was time. I have to start considering my professional life now, I feel. But I think I'm going to get another ear piercing - cartilage or maybe somewhere on the rim of my ear - because those are much more acceptable than facial piercings (unfortunately.) I'm also thinking about getting my fleur-de-lys colored in. Just a matter of time, really.

Still looking into getting that damned Gardasil shot. Why does insurance have to be so complicated?? It's just a freakin' vaccine...

I thought of a super-ingenious plan to possibly stay on my parents insurance for a little while longer, though. When I move out to the PA, I'll just take some community college classes! Bartending, maybe cooking, maybe a law course...As long as I'm full time (and possibly have access to an low-cost, on-campus health center), I should be golden until: 1) I get a job or 2) I'm living with Steve long enough for it to count as a domestic partnership and get on his insurance.
Birth control will still be somewhat of an issue; I'll need to pay for those doctors visits (hopefully only one, as my prescription will be good until next October) and the pills themselves. Damn Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo for being so pricey and not having a generic substitute but for being too perfect to change! It won't be cheap, but Steve is apparently super-progressive (or way more than I gave him credit for) and is going to help out in the financial department as far as that goes. Man oh man, you guys: I think I have a keeper.

And I get to see him in three weeks!! Which means I need to send him a care package next week sometime. I made him a mixed CD (which he'll get the track listing to once I know he's listened to it) and a pair of silk pajama pants because we're kinky like that sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean often. Seriously...too perfect.

Worst week in a while

2009-10-28T23:46:50Z

Here are all the things that are terrible about my life recently:

Terrible shopping experience with friends on Monday
Killed the idea of Halloween this year for me; returned most of costume today
Thusly not doing anything for Halloween this year except for Improv Comedy and sleep
Stood up twice in a row by the same person on the same day for dinner
Screwed up a sequencing template at work because I was so peeved
Called that person, cried a lot, but hopefully fixed a friendship
Boyfriend is still 600 miles away
Friends are even more distant, possibly because I actually need them now
Gyno appointment on Friday
Vag doesn't seem to appreciate this
Ripped a pair of jeans down the ass; don't ask me how - they aren't even snug.

I'm not in the mood to make a list of the good things. Let's just assume they rhyme with "chocolate" and call this entry finished.

One more month.

2009-10-26T01:44:56Z

I remember.

I remember how he smells. I remember the color of his eyes and how his skin feels beneath my fingers. I remember the strength of his hands and the sound of his voice and the exact way he smiles at me.

I remember all these things, but forgetting them will make another month so, so much easier.

Just weird

2009-10-21T00:36:43Z

So today was really strange.

Over the weekend, my anthro prof sent me information about a physical/biological anthropology conference that she thinks would really help me make connections with people. Well, I wanted to thank her after class today for the information because I think that's a better way of doing it than sending an e-mail. Forty minutes into class, she gives us all group work (like normal) and walks out of the room.
Five minutes later, she comes back in, white as a sheet.
"I know this will sound strange, but I have to cancel class today. I'm not feeling that well. In fact, I think I just miscarried."

I was honestly surprised at how much this affected me. Like, I was heartbroken at the possibility that she lost her child. It was just so terrifying. It happened so quickly (if it actually did happen.) Regardless, it really put me in a weird mood for the rest of the day.

Needless to say, I didn't get to talk to her after class, so now I don't know what to do about my "thank you." Do I send her an e-mail even though something terrible might have happened in her personal life? If so, do I mention how we're all really concerned and hope that she's okay? Or do I wait until I can talk to her in person (possibly Thursday, but she might cancel class then, too)?

I actually think I just answered my own question.

Such a headache

2009-10-17T04:17:03Z

I just committed emotional suicide.

That is, I just watched "The Notebook."

Such a bad plan.

Another Michael Moore film...

2009-10-12T03:03:46Z

Another unhappy Melissa.

Disclaimer: Michael Moore is very biased. I am aware of this. On with the entry.

"Sicko" really upset me. While I don't believe that it presented me with all of the information, it definitely made me think and brought up some really interesting case studies. He talked to doctors and patients in Canada, the UK, and France, all of which have universal health-care (I dislike calling it "socialized medicine.") He interviewed people with insurance in the US and the reasons for which they were denied coverage, the sacrifices they have had to make to the detriment of their bodies but for the benefit of their (dwindling or nonexistent) bank accounts, and the children and lives that they have lost because of this lack of care. He took 9/11 volunteers who were denied medical care in the US to Cuba for a taste of their universal care and, you know what: they came out better for it.

What rocked my world even more than that was the realization that I will be one of them in less than one year.
In less than one year, I graduate from Michigan State University with a Bachelor's of Science in Human Biology and a Minor in Anthropology. In less than one year, I will be an independent and educated woman, perfectly capable of performing specialized and important tasks, mentally prepared to start a life with my career and my boyfriend.
In less than one year, I will be out of school. In less than one year, I will not have health insurance. I will not have vision. I will not have dental. I will not have emergency or prescription coverage. I will be subject to the whims of a cruel world, riding a roller coaster without so much as a lap bar or seat-belt to hold me in.
This is terrifying.

Eventually, I will get a job that supplies me with benefits and then all of these concerns will be moot. Or will they? What about people who haven't had the opportunity to get an education like mine? Or what about those who are disabled or who have pre-existing conditions which prevent them from working? What happens to them?

While I have been known to steal enviable parking spots and to not share what I have as openly as some others. Although I consider myself a selfish person, I am not a bad person. Essentially, I am good and I am caring and I want to help. This is why I support universal healthcare. I believe that, "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness" encompasses health and well-being. I believe that privatized insurance is not delivering upon that first inalienable right.

I have to remember, however, that not everyone is like this. A stellar example: my roommate and best friend. She is a social and financial conservative. Her main goal is to, "One day make enough money to become a Republican." She is actually selfish (as opposed to my weak claims to it) and is, what I consider, a bad person. She does not want to help. She could not care less. She disgusts me as a human being and I can't stand to talk to her about politics or social reforms because her head is on so backwards that it makes me lose faith in her when I want nothing of the sort. Yes - not everyone is a good person.

For all the shortcomings of "Sicko," he brought up a good final point: the reform to universal health-care can only occur when the nation's perspective changes from "I" to "We." When we start thinking of ourselves as all in the same boat, trying together to make a living in the crazy world we live in, then we might be able to realize that helping out one is really helping out all in the end.

I sincerely hope we see this soon.

A quickie

2009-10-08T20:19:24Z

Going home this weekend. Dentist appointment on Friday, Franklin Cider Mill and David Copperfield on Saturday. Oh, and MSU football. Should be solid times. Also have to study for my physio exam...woo. And write a short paper for anthro...double woo.

Life is boring. Throat hurts. Supernatural tonight. Started taking fish oil.

New BSB album!! It's on its way. Also bought Carolina Liar. Friend gave me the new Sick Puppies and Lady Gaga. I love new music!

The end.

Ch-ch-chuggin' along

2009-09-30T23:03:43Z

And procrastinating. My gender and science paper is strangely difficult to write.

Weekend home was nice. Did three weeks worth of laundry and bought another week's worth of clothes at TJ Maxx! I tell ya, that store is ridiculously hit or miss, but I came out with a new pair of jeans, socks, really cute bronze gladiator sandals (which I can't wear because it's been so freakin' cold and I have to wear closed-toed shoes in the lab...), and six or seven new tops. I spent a ton of money, but I don't feel bad about it because I got a raise (and was the only undergrad to get one, by the way. w00t!)

Class has been good. Everything is going really well. I feel only a little rushed/panicked, but that's just because I'm not two weeks ahead. I'll mellow out (i.e. get ahead again) eventually. Just with this essay and then a physio exam in two weeks...I just need a weekend where I can really focus, and I haven't had one of those in two weeks. So even though this weekend is the U of M/MSU football game, I will not allow myself to become distracted. I will booze, cheer, and then come back to read and study while On-Demand movies play in the background.

Work is picking up, like it always does. We're going to do this crazy-expensive protocol next week, which is at once exciting (our projects are moving along!) and scary (I really don't want to screw this up!) The new girl we hired is pretty cool and super-smart, so training her is a breeze.

In other news, I got tickets for the midnight showing of "New Moon"! I know, I know, you can roll your eyes, but they were only $7.50 and that is a very reasonable price, especially for a movie based off a book series which was actually really, really unimpressive.

I'm so emo.

2009-09-20T17:47:17Z

Steve was here for one of the most incredible weekends I've ever had. We saw "Inglorious Basterds" (amazing!) I cooked for him, he took me out for ice cream. I treated him to Bubble Tea, he paid for my meals. We sat around the apartment watching TV and in my bed looking at the ceiling. We watched Monty Python and fell asleep at eleven o'clock. Everything was magic. We showered together and ate together and laughed together, and now I'm crying because now he's gone and this whole long-distance relationship bullshit is exactly that: bullshit.
I detest it, but I need to get a degree.

I guess it's just becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy my last year of college when the person who makes things truly enjoyable is 600 miles away.

Like the sea!

2009-09-16T20:25:53Z

Yikes, haven't posted in a while.

All is good in Melissa-town. Steve is coming in this weekend, which means that the next three days are going to be the absolute best I'll be having for a while. It's not like my other days aren't good, because they really are, most of the time. It's just that days with him are better. :)

I've been busy prepping for my physio exam and getting ahead on readings and whatnot so I can afford to completely waste this weekend. Next weekend, I'm going to a friend's bday party on Friday, then driving home to watch my sisters/do laundry/get Thai food/etc. The weekend after that is the MSU/U of M game, and after that I go home again for a dentist appointment on Friday.

Busy busy busy

On Eggs

2009-09-10T02:32:23Z

The adage goes: You should never put all your eggs in one basket.

Currently, mine are.

Should I trust him to not fuck up my life?

Here's the situation. He's been thinking about me moving out there and he's "worried." "It's a big step," he keeps saying, "and I'm nervous about it." Most likely, he actually is just nervous.

But this could go so poorly. Yes, I have a contingency plan: stay out here an extra summer until he's ready for me.
For the record, I HATE this plan. But it's better than not being prepared at all.

Also, for the record, if he goes, I go. This man has all the tools he needs to make me self-destruct in a bigger way than ever before, and I have the skills and resources necessary to do so very quickly. I am so terrified that it will come to this that it makes me nauseous.

I think this is the time talking, though. (Holy alliteration, Batman!) He has nothing but and it's reasonable that he's starting to think. I understand, which is why I want to ease the pressure off him. It's the time and the distance. Once we're together again, he'll see.

I hope.

Legitimate or Crazy?

2009-09-03T23:32:37Z

Steve admitted that he thinks he's over the honeymoon phase (whatever that really is...)

I am now ~~secretly~~ terrified that he is going to fall out of love with me.

Edit:

No. You know what? No.

That is how I feel. I am terrified and I am insecure and I am sorry, but that is it.

He cannot know this. This is the one thing I have to keep to myself.

He cannot know.

Why? Because the same thing happened with his work friend John and his girlfriend Jess.

The exact. Same. Thing.

John was fine after he moved out, but Jess was still honeymooning and then got clingy and paranoid and touchy. It was fine after she moved out with him, but now John is rethinking everything they have. That is, he doesn't want to be with her anymore.

I know - I know - that would be the path I take. I feel it setting it right now, to be completely honest, and I cannot have that happen.

Steve is the single good thing in my life and he needs to stay that way. He needs to be his own person and have his own friends and interests and not be thinking about me all the time (no matter how much it just tore me down to type that.)

He cannot know how weak I am and how afraid I am. He just can't.
I cannot be that clingy long-distance girlfriend; it would ruin everything.

Edit 2:

Why can't I keep anything from him? Why does he ask questions like, "How was your day?" and "What are you worried about?" Why does he do these things to me?

I wish I could get inside his head. It can't be as simple as, "Well, I don't think you have anything to worry about. It seems like you're over it, anyway." Can it? Does he really forgive me?

This year is going to suck.

Long distance FUCKING BLOWS.

passionrules @ 2009-09-02T18:36:00

2009-09-02T22:36:38Z

Why am I so afraid to call my boyfriend's mother to thank her for the Quizno's coupons she sent me?

A thinker.

2009-09-01T02:15:28Z

So here's the deal.

I'm not used to feeling like an idiot. I don't take it well when I do.
But talking to my boyfriend sometimes makes me feel like the biggest idiot on the planet.

I don't know what to do about it.

I don't really mean it...

2009-08-27T01:08:50Z

Pennsylvania was wonderful. Falling into routine, falling back into place, back into his life. It was perfect.

And now the semester is practically upon me. It just clicked yesterday that I'm officially a week away from the start of my senior year. I'm excited for class, but more excited for the end. I need to pass the days quickly.

I need to get a lab key. Haha

I'm going home this weekend. I just wanted to visit and do my laundry (and maybe some pre-school shopping), but it turns out that I can actually do some good. The fam was going to go to Canada because my dad got the weekend off, but my sisters have a volleyball tournament, so they had to cancel. Mom was hinting at me going to Canada with dad; I suggested that she go while I hang with the sibs. Everyone liked the latter option better.
So Thai food, Monopoly, and Disney movies are on the agenda. Should be a pretty solid weekend.

Sigh. Getting a degree doesn't even seem worth it sometimes...

My Discovery

2009-08-17T12:46:46Z

So it's Monday and Steve is at work. It's kinda strange being all alone in his apartment, but I have a lot to amuse me: Rockband, learning acoustic guitar, forensics homework, and, most interestingly, World of Warcraft.

Steve had an account and played quite religiously back in his freshman/sophomore years of college, but grew out of it a bit junior year and out of it completely senior year. Now that we're geographically separated, he found himself needing a distraction, and that distraction is WoW. He was telling me about it and I've always been kinda interested in it because I'm a dork and also not so interested because I know I could become completely hooked very quickly.
But I've decided to risk it! He showed me his characters and helped me make my own and helped me out on a few starter quests and it's actually quite a fun game! I'll only be able to play it for this week, of course (as I cannot afford it on my own and my computer would hate me forever if I tried, as would my GPA) but I think it's going to be a very solid way to keep myself amused.

In other news, I want to live here now. On Saturday we went to see the movie "District 9" with one of his co-workers and his girlfriend, then we all went out to a bar to see a Celtic rock band (The Kilmaine Saints!) It was a fabulously fun evening, even though Steve drank too much and was ill. We went food shopping yesterday and I felt very domestic and needed and loved, and I like those feelings. He's told me before that he plans to "see this through" and I really hope he means it.

Ramblings

2009-08-08T01:14:43Z

So I have no will-power. In fact, I think I have negative will-power! It was my plan to go and see Steve on Wednesday, Aug 19. Then, he texted me and suggested that I just take off that whole week, so that I could be with him for longer.
And what did I say?
We all know what I said. I have the days off (of course) and will see him in only a week!! Yay!! And while I'm down there, we're going to buy a blender, go food shopping, and visit Hershey Park on Johnson and Johnson family day!!

In other news, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow! I'm going to go short - chin-length, in fact - and get sidebangs. Hopefully they can make it fun and textured and wonderful! I'm very excited. Ever the joy-kill, what is the first thing Jill says when I tell her of my plan? "Oh, so when I come back, you're going to be butch!"
No, you stupid skank. I'm going to be Melissa but with shorter hair and bangs. God damn.
It really bothers me that she's so anti-gay rights. I feel like she's too smart for that. But the bias in her runs so deeply and I feel like she just uses science and antiquated gender roles as defenses for her arguments. In fact, I know she does. For instance, we were talking about health care. She doesn't believe that a gay couple deserves spousal rights (i.e. that one gay man couldn't be on the same insurance policy as his husband) because they cannot procreate and therefore do not fulfill the "traditional" marriage requirements (i.e. that the woman should stay home to take care of the children and therefore needs to be on her husband's insurance.) It's a crock of shit, if you ask me. Tantamount to racism, in fact. Would it be sexism in this case? I'm not really sure, but it bothers me when people don't support equal rights...

Work is going ok. I'm having gel problems, but apparently we do things more ghetto than I thought. I think I'm just going to have to tell Lina that we can no longer afford to be cheap. I feel like she knew this was coming anyway.

Cleaned the kitchen today. Jill cleaned the bathroom. I can't find my Swiffer - I think my bastard brother stole it. What a prick.

I want Thai food tonight. Or Chinese. Maybe I'll order Rice Kitchen. I really feel like I shouldn't - I'm supposed to be saving my money, after all, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing alright in the finance department. Or alright enough to afford Chinese food one night of the month.

A Quickie

2009-07-29T12:03:16Z

Ellie is coming over tonight to discuss moving in for a week with Jill and I. Last night, Jill and I came up with a list (yay!) of rules/good behaviors that all three of us will have to abide, and the cost for Ellie to live with us for a week. That might be a deal-breaker, but we'll see. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
Yesterday, Lina (my boss) saw three years of work crash down around her and her chances for an interesting PhD fly out the window. My work for one and a half years and my dreams of becoming a published author before graduating also died. Then, we found it was a false alarm and everything was fine again.
Called Steve. He's sad. He's been sad. He's sad because he uprooted himself from family, friends, and me, and the only one of those he can look forward to getting back is me. I feel so guilty that I'm having an easier time being separated from him than he is, and it ripping me apart that I can do nothing to make it better. I hate having my hands tied.