Another unhappy Melissa.

Disclaimer: Michael Moore is very biased. I am aware of this. On with the entry.

( Why I'm Unhappy )

For all the shortcomings of "Sicko," he brought up a good final point: the reform to universal health-care can only occur when the nation's perspective changes from "I" to "We." When we start thinking of ourselves as all in the same boat, trying together to make a living in the crazy world we live in, then we might be able to realize that helping out one is really helping out all in the end.

I sincerely hope we see this soon.

I went to see my anthro counselor today. I got a substitution approved for my minor, which means I can for sure graduate in four years if I get into all the class I want.

Aside from the approval, she wasn't any more or less helpful than anyone else I've talked to (so far) regarding my future. She was, however, reassuring. Just a mention about my uncertainty about grad school and she talked about what I could do in my year(s) off. It sounded like the natural course of things! She mentioned the "doors opening" bit too. How things usually just fall into place if you know where to look.

It's strange. I feel like I've changed over the past few weeks. For so long, I've held myself in these little niches. And these niches were safe, but they were also boring. They didn't allow for change. I got comfortable with this. Too comfortable.

But I feel like I'm evolving. I'm growing into myself. I'm seeing more differences between my roommate and me, which sounds weird, I know, but I'm realizing the depth of these differences for the first time, when I should have noticed them long ago. She's the most selfish person I think I've ever known, almost completely incapable of compromise, and entirely unwilling to accept another way of being or thought.
I'm seeing this now. I'm seeing how she's condescended to me since she found out my grad school drama. I'm seeing how she expects me to compromise. And I'm tired of it.

I want to be a well-rounded individual. I want to be able to explain photosynthesis and the symbolism behind a great piece of literature. I want to understand how the muscles work and why people think like they do. I want to write! I want to wonder at the water molecule without relinquishing my creativity! And I believe that I can do both! I can be a scientist without losing an entire half of me!

It just bothers me that one of my best friends can't see this.
 

I'm unhappy.

Today's weather was glorious. I had two (relatively) easy exams and I saw Steve for lunch. It's Thursday, and I love Thursdays. The weekend is here, and on Saturday I have 1) the Purdue game and 2) Steve and mine's two month.

I should be happy.

But all today, I was fighting back tears. Ha, actually, screw that. I broke down into them no less than three times and have a feeling that tonight is going to be rough.

I just feel worthless. I feel worthless and undeserving and imperfect.
I'm not good enough and I don't understand why I can't just be okay.

That is all.

I'm scared of everything.

I'm afraid of tomorrow because I have to call the Study Abroad office to get a status update on my application; thinking about it still makes me want to puke. I'm afraid to switch dentists, but know that I can't keep seeing the pediatric dentist. I'm afraid for the OB/GYN appointment that I have to make.

I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of insurance because I don't understand how it works and I'm afraid of credit cards, bills, and buying cars/houses/credit hours on my own. I'm afraid of getting a job because I might not get hired. I'm afraid of being poor and not doing something I love. I'm afraid my life won't work out how I want it to.

I'm afraid I'm going to fail at science. I'm afraid that I don't know enough, that I'm not good enough to become a doctor. I'm afraid I'm fooling myself into intelligence. I'm afraid of what could happen if I don't pass my MCAT or if I don't get into med school. I don't know what I'd do - science is all I know...is all I'm good at.
If I don't have science, I don't have anything.

I'm afraid of people, of sex, of judgments. I'm afraid to let people down.

I'm afraid of uncertainty. I'm afraid of waiting. I'm afraid of my future. I'm afraid of being alone forever.

I'm afraid to let myself down.