I don't know what it is about death.
The sudden release of air. The stopping of the heart, the blood flow. Nerve impulses hanging around for a few seconds longer. All processes, processes that keep us so alive, suddenly ceasing without warning but not without reason. The biology of it, while fully documented and utterly researchable, is still so intriguing. The bacteria, the bloat, the decay. The disintegration of the once-living flesh just decomposing is mind boggling sometimes.

Then there's the emotional aspect, also much explored but utterly un-researchable.
We won't get into that.

Again, I don't know what it is about death. But it intrigues me. I need to know about it, need to understand it, to experience it, to be around it. I can't explain it without sounding creepy or just plain fucked up, but that's how it is.

This is why I need to go into forensics, possibly the real reason, or at least a real reason of it. I need a job with science, I need a job with people, I need a job with death. Mortuary science isn't science enough, or rather it's too little science, too much people. The emotional aspect does not go over well. I am an extremely emotional person. I feel and internalize and love and grieve, the last which I am very good at doing but no good at handling. But I need a job where I can be detached and observant and scientific with sterility and scalpels and saws, because that's what I can do. That's what I've had practice with doing.

I don't know why I need it, why I have an obsession with it. It's inexplicable and incomprehensible.
But it's me.

So I went to see a psychic tonight. Here's the lowdown (all his words, not mine):

Romance: Come April, I'm going to go to a concert and meet a man who I'm going to have quite a steady relationship with. He's going to be a musician and music is going to be what brings us together. He might be a music major or something, and I'm in science, so it's polar opposites so it's going to be great. It's going to be kind of a whirlwind thing, but I need something to shake me up. He's going to do some things - roleplyaing, games, stuff like that - that's going to make me scratch my head and just kind of wonder, but I'm just going to go along with it, you know? It will definitely evolve into a long friendship, maybe even more like marriage or something down the road, but not necessarily.

Finances: I'm in this part time job that's not really a job or even really worth it. So what he sees for me are shoes. They're not stilettos or anything - they're more like running shoes. So this could be either a gym or health or walking or something like that.

Career: I'm going to start at a kind of rinky-dink morgue then work my way up. Over a span of about ten years, I'll make it to the place where I want to settle down with a career. Next semester I'm going to have a pisser of a class.


It was interesting. I'm taking it with a healthy dose salt, but a part of me can't help but be hopeful. I mean, I guess we'll see come April, won't we?