I have an anthro midterm due on Tuesday. This means that I really want to clean the bathroom. Haha
Jill is supposed to be going to James' tonight. She's still here and I don't know why. She needs to leave so I can clean and then drink on the couch whilst watching a movie alone (because my Friday nights are really exciting like that.)

Work is really busy, like normal. I've been staying late the past two weeks to push out data just to find out that, surprise, surprise! Our paper might be getting scooped (research lingo for "being done by some other lab"). We don't know the extent of the scoopage yet, but it's super-sad. At any rate, we're picking up the pace even more now and actually starting to analyze our sequence data, so that's pretty exciting.

Going to see Bruce Springsteen next Friday night with my mom. Should be fun, actually.
Took out the eyebrow ring a few days ago. I didn't want to, and I really miss it, but it was time. I have to start considering my professional life now, I feel. But I think I'm going to get another ear piercing - cartilage or maybe somewhere on the rim of my ear - because those are much more acceptable than facial piercings (unfortunately.) I'm also thinking about getting my fleur-de-lys colored in. Just a matter of time, really.

Still looking into getting that damned Gardasil shot. Why does insurance have to be so complicated?? It's just a freakin' vaccine...

I thought of a super-ingenious plan to possibly stay on my parents insurance for a little while longer, though. When I move out to the PA, I'll just take some community college classes! Bartending, maybe cooking, maybe a law course...As long as I'm full time (and possibly have access to an low-cost, on-campus health center), I should be golden until: 1) I get a job or 2) I'm living with Steve long enough for it to count as a domestic partnership and get on his insurance.
Birth control will still be somewhat of an issue; I'll need to pay for those doctors visits (hopefully only one, as my prescription will be good until next October) and the pills themselves. Damn Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo for being so pricey and not having a generic substitute but for being too perfect to change! It won't be cheap, but Steve is apparently super-progressive (or way more than I gave him credit for) and is going to help out in the financial department as far as that goes. Man oh man, you guys: I think I have a keeper.

And I get to see him in three weeks!! Which means I need to send him a care package next week sometime. I made him a mixed CD (which he'll get the track listing to once I know he's listened to it) and a pair of silk pajama pants because we're kinky like that sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean often. Seriously...too perfect.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I may have to seek higher education.

For shits and giggles, I've been wandering around those job-finder sites (Monster, Career Builder, etc) and seeing all of these lovely positions that I'm not qualified for. For a change of pace, I checked out forensic science bachelor's degree jobs and, for what I want, the average salary would be about $35,000. Funny enough, even a master's going into a forensic science job only makes around $5,000 more. Lames.

So here's a plan. If I can get a job at - oh, let's say Hershey - working as a lab tech for a years, I'll either try to: 1) advance up through the company or 2) get enough experience so that I can find a different job that would be more fun. This career path would suit me just fine.

So here's another plan. If I choose to go the forensic science route, I'll work with DNA for a few years until I can afford school again and go for a law degree or maybe a master's or a PhD somewhere. This would also suit me just fine and would most likely pay better.

Hm.


Is there such a thing as being too flexible? 

I realize point two is both stupid and impermanent, but it still worries me. My sex life is important to me and during a big upheaval in my life, I don't know if I'll be able to handle one other thing not happening the way I think it should.

Anyway, I'm worried about what I'm going to do, what's going to happen to me, and all he can do is say how much he misses me and how much he wants sex. I sound like a bitch. I know. Really, I do, and I'm crying now as I type this because I feel like an absolute sack of shit for bitching about it and being so self-centered myself! But I just wish he could understand why I'm worried, why I need to have control and a tentative plan. I know things are going to work out - I know I'll get a job and benefits and that everything will right itself with time.
Time.
I just don't want to wait.

Corny title.

It was memorable, however. I met all of Steve's family on Sunday and they all liked me, according to his mom. His parents really like me too; they offered to drive me down to Lancaster with them to visit Steve when they go. I don't know if I'll be able to (work...), but the option is amazing.

We spent eight days together almost exclusively in each other's company. We didn't even get close to a fight/disagreement. If anything, we got closer and mostly solidified some plans for the future, which was really exciting.
I'll get to see him this Saturday for my brother's grad party and then...I don't know. This was the last weekend we were able to be intimate, though, which is tough for me to handle. Don't get me wrong - sex is not everything. But the moments after - the cuddling, the laughing, the conversation...That is.

It's going to be amazingly difficult. He's leaving around June 1 (I have a microbio exam that day) and then I'm not going to have any contact with him except by phone. It's a terrifying transition and I don't look forward to a year without him.

At the same time, I can't be despondent forever, knowing what comes after that year passes. He needs to be there; I need to be here. That's the way it is, but that's not the way it will be.

Forever ago, I remember writing that I'm not his future. That I'm only a passerby in his life and that my contribution to his existence is negligible. This is incorrect. I am his future as much as he is mine, and no matter what happens, he won't be able to forget me, just as I won't be able to forget him. It's strange writing with this much certainty about something so subject to change, but I feel it's true.

Come what may.

• George Bush (Sr., Jr., et al)
• The sun (I'd be walking melanoma)
• The heat (who likes to sweat?)
• The lack of water (living in the middle of a desert = a bad plan, especially if the climate keeps up with its shenanigans)
• Everyone has a gun
• The death penalty
• Republicans
• Accents

It's strange. I feel like I've changed over the past few weeks. For so long, I've held myself in these little niches. And these niches were safe, but they were also boring. They didn't allow for change. I got comfortable with this. Too comfortable.

But I feel like I'm evolving. I'm growing into myself. I'm seeing more differences between my roommate and me, which sounds weird, I know, but I'm realizing the depth of these differences for the first time, when I should have noticed them long ago. She's the most selfish person I think I've ever known, almost completely incapable of compromise, and entirely unwilling to accept another way of being or thought.
I'm seeing this now. I'm seeing how she's condescended to me since she found out my grad school drama. I'm seeing how she expects me to compromise. And I'm tired of it.

I want to be a well-rounded individual. I want to be able to explain photosynthesis and the symbolism behind a great piece of literature. I want to understand how the muscles work and why people think like they do. I want to write! I want to wonder at the water molecule without relinquishing my creativity! And I believe that I can do both! I can be a scientist without losing an entire half of me!

It just bothers me that one of my best friends can't see this.