I went to see my anthro counselor today. I got a substitution approved for my minor, which means I can for sure graduate in four years if I get into all the class I want.

Aside from the approval, she wasn't any more or less helpful than anyone else I've talked to (so far) regarding my future. She was, however, reassuring. Just a mention about my uncertainty about grad school and she talked about what I could do in my year(s) off. It sounded like the natural course of things! She mentioned the "doors opening" bit too. How things usually just fall into place if you know where to look.

It's strange. I feel like I've changed over the past few weeks. For so long, I've held myself in these little niches. And these niches were safe, but they were also boring. They didn't allow for change. I got comfortable with this. Too comfortable.

But I feel like I'm evolving. I'm growing into myself. I'm seeing more differences between my roommate and me, which sounds weird, I know, but I'm realizing the depth of these differences for the first time, when I should have noticed them long ago. She's the most selfish person I think I've ever known, almost completely incapable of compromise, and entirely unwilling to accept another way of being or thought.
I'm seeing this now. I'm seeing how she's condescended to me since she found out my grad school drama. I'm seeing how she expects me to compromise. And I'm tired of it.

I want to be a well-rounded individual. I want to be able to explain photosynthesis and the symbolism behind a great piece of literature. I want to understand how the muscles work and why people think like they do. I want to write! I want to wonder at the water molecule without relinquishing my creativity! And I believe that I can do both! I can be a scientist without losing an entire half of me!

It just bothers me that one of my best friends can't see this.
 

I need to become okay with uncertainty.

That's all life is: uncertainty. The future - uncertain. What I'm going to do - uncertain. Who I'm going to become - uncertain.

I like control. I need control. But there are some elements of life that I've either been ignoring or am now just experiencing that I cannot control. Maybe those elements came into play when there was someone other than myself in my life. Hm...

I'm often terrified of what's going to happen. I don't like not knowing things and not being able to change the situation around me to give me an advantage makes me uncomfortable. But I have to become okay with not being able to control my environment, or the lives of others.

I need to let go.

I think I'm starting to let go.

My future, until this point, has always been nailed down. I've aspired to these lofty careers - doctor! professor! - which few ever actually achieve. It's all too possible (probable) that I'm not meant for a life of prestige. Maybe I'm supposed to be the lab tech or the museum curator (which wouldn't be a bad job at all...) or the educator. Maybe, whatever direction my life (Steve?) leads me in will be the right direction, no matter what my brain may think about it.

I need to accept that I'm not in control of my life. Or not as in control as I hoped/thought I was.

Where ever I go, doors will open for me. I'm intelligent and I'm capable. I need to settle with myself that fate doesn't work for one person. Fate will not land Steve an incredible job with an incredible graduate school nearby which I would miraculously get into. No. Fate will deal me something completely different and I have to be ready for what that difference is. I also have to be ready for the consequences of the choices I have to make.

But I can do this. Whatever it is that's going to happen, I can get through it.


I'm letting go.