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Hello stress, my old friend.

I don’t know what it is about today. Maybe it’s just this whole transition. I’m almost a month into my job, and I don’t feel very competent at it. I haven’t been assigned much of anything, though I’ve been assured (repeatedly) that the work is coming. The few assignments I have had have gone fine, but I haven’t gotten into the nitty-gritty of anything yet. I’m having pretty consistent (one or two per week) anxiety dreams about inputting change controls, which is my main job responsibility that I haven’t had to do yet. I spend my days planning vacations, or reading, or Facebooking on my phone.

I haven’t made any friends here yet. I don’t think my coworker likes or respects me, professionally, though we’re just fine personally. The talkative women are cliquey, and the people in the cubes near me are quiet and swamped with work. I’m lonely. On top of this, I haven’t been given a permanent cube. I’m using a “rented” cube, where I can’t lock up my purse, or store my laptop overnight, or personalize to make it feel like somewhere I belong and want to be. I’m not used to this.

It’s difficult for me to interact with others. I lean toward introverted, so it’s hard to start relationships. I don’t remember how to make friends. I’m awkward and I say the wrong things. I spend the 25-minute ride home berating every weird thing I said or uncomfortable moment I felt, realizing that both are probably imagined and/or immediately forgotten by anyone else that may have witnessed them.

I’m trying to transition all my benefits over, and that hasn’t been easy. I’m a financial moron, and don’t understand what the best moves to make are. There’s weirdness with my HSA, confusion regarding my traditional vs Roth 401k accounts… I’m trying to learn what these things are and how they’re used, how much I’ll need versus how much I have. I think I’m in a good spot, but I still feel unprepared for my future.

I feel financially overwhelmed. We want to redo the basement, take a trip to Europe, eventually have kids (ugh – don’t even want to think about the costs of this step right now), and I just don’t know how I can afford it. How we can afford it. And this on top of tuition, which may or may not be reimbursed by my new employer.

There are some good things. Not having friends, combined with my unfamiliarity with this area, means that I haven’t been going out to lunch, which is friendly to both my budget and my waistline. I’m exercising every day and our wine-making hobby is going amazingly well. I’m going to donate blood at the end of the month.

I know the moaning is temporary. I’ll settle into a routine and adjust to my new space. My new life. It’s just hard, sometimes, to focus on the good.

Latest Month

November 2016